Matrimonial Chastity?

I took the feast of St. Maria Goretti as an opportunity to reflect on the current debate over the proper definition of marriage.  That may seem strange since this saint is so connected with chastity.  In truth it makes perfect sense because, contrary to popular belief, chastity and celibacy are not the same thing.  Married people are called to live chastely just as much as single people and vowed religious are.  How so?

Well, the virtue of chastity consists in the moderation and self control of our sexual appetite, and is related in general to the virtue of  temperance.  For a single person this means total abstinence from sexual relations before marriage.  For a vowed religious and most Catholic priests it means a life long commitment to the celibate life.  For a married person it means fidelity to his or her spouse.  But it also means more than that.  Here are a few qualities of matrimonial chastity that come to mind.

1. Married chastity involves a mutual respect between partners.  Bl. John Paul II, whose writings on marriage and sexuality alone should garner him the title of Doctor of the Church, stressed that marriage was not a license to "do what ever you want."  The needs and dispositions of both partners needs to be taken into account when engaging in the conjugal act.  For instance one should never force himself upon the other (an obvious point, I would think).  JPII caused a stir when he suggested that there was such a thing a marital rape (some accused him of being puritanical).   He also scandalized some when, as a bishop, he wrote that spouses need to be attentive to the sexual satisfaction of their partners lest the "slighted" partner begin to view sex as a wearisome burden (what's a bishop doing writing of such things, how indecent, some said). A couple that approaches sex in a spirit of mutual respect and regard for the needs of the other are living the ideal of loving self control the virtue of chastity calls for.

2. Married chastity is open to the transmission of new life.  Ah yes, the contraception issue.  If Social Security is the third rail of American politics, this is surly 1,500 volts of shock no priest wants to play hopscotch around in the pulpit or in the confessional.  For most married Catholics this is something they see as a settled matter, and do not want to discuss it.  In my recent experiences with preparing couples for the sacrament I sense a tolerant politeness when I talk about it, and in some cases I do pick up a genuine curiosity about Natural Family Planning (NFP), but I'm under no illusions about the odds of them taking this practice up in their married life.  I've written on this topic in other places, but I will just say that those who practice NFP faithfully school themselves in the very self control that fosters mutual respect and regard for the needs of the other.  Sex is less likely to be engaged in for purely selfish motives, but (hopefully) in a spirit of gratitude and appreciation for the other since a time of abstinence is required each month for those who do not want to have children at a given moment, or else with the joyful purpose of being co-creators with God in the generation of a new life.  Either way the virtue of married chastity involves the perfecting the ideal that sex is an act of mutual self giving open to the transmission of new life. 

3. Married chastity involves modesty and custody of the eyes.  Modesty and custody of the eyes are somewhat "old timey" terms that we don't hear much about today.  Modesty usually involves how we dress and speak.  Dressing provocatively or telling "off color" jokes would go against the virtue of modesty.  Custody of the eyes involves having self control over how we see people.  To see a person we might find attractive and acknowledging it to ourselves is not sinful.  On the other hand leering and allowing lustful thoughts to develop into fantasies that linger in our minds would be going against what Jesus talked about when he said that it is possible to commit adultery in our hearts.

I am sometime countered by the line that immodesty is in the eye of the beholder, so if someone finds a woman's neckline too revealing it's his problem not hers  (And I don't mean to pick on women, men can certainly dress immodestly as well).  First off, this takes for granted the virtue of the owner of the neckline in question.  Secondly, while having custody of the eyes means that we have learned to look upon others as complete human beings and not sex objects, if our hypothetical neckline was as virtuous as we assume then she would have patience with the scruples of those weaker than herself, as St. Paul would put it, and not dress in a way that could be misconstrued or lead others into sin.  Obviously we need to be sensible about things; one doesn't go to the beach in a tuxedo or a floor length gown.  At the same time one shouldn't attend Mass in speedos or a mini skirt.  I would say that these principles apply to both single and married alike.

But on a deeper level I would say that these dual ideas of modesty and custody of the eyes needs to apply as well to the rampant spread of pornography and "gentleman's clubs" in our society.  There are wives content to allow their husbands to indulge in these "diversions" under the false assumption that these aren't sins against married life.  But in both cases these involve a debasement and objectifying of other people for the sexual gratification of the "customer," and in the case of the married person, it is seeking that gratification in isolation, apart from the fruitful and nurturing relationship of husband and wife.

Pornography has been especially harmful to marriages, with some studies suggesting that upwards of 50% of divorces are caused by porn addiction.  In these voyeuristic and vicarious experiences we can fool ourselves into thinking that the performers are somehow "not real."  But they are very real people caught in a web us sin, and we participate in that sin by watching a paying for it.

I don't claim these three points to be exhaustive, but they are what come to my mind right away when I think of the virtue of chastity within the context of marriage.